cityelf:

I invite my closest friends and family to a gender reveal party, but when I open the box with maniacal flourish instead of pink or blue balloons, a television screen is revealed.

I dim the lights remotely as we hear Cate Blanchett say, “The world is changed. I feel it in the water.”

Too late, they realise.

The pregnancy? A scam.

The Lord of the Rings editions? Extended.

The doors? Locked.

krabby-kronicle:

ohhhhthatburns:

Staying up all night to study for a test the next day.

goruma:

ive tried opening my mouth and saying words before nd ive gotta say. im not a fan

imagedonkey:

laughconfetti:

ommanyte:

yo what are you always so stressed about?

me:

anxiety

lolotehe:

portentsofwoe:

soih:

kaijuno:

HR: if they work 40 hours a week u have to give them benefits

Big company: hmm okay. They shall work 39

HR: if they work 8 hours u have to give them a half hour lunch and intermittent breaks 

company: 7 hours and 50 minutes, it is 

the law: if theyre employees you have to pay for benefits

company: lets staff through a temp service and wait so long to hire them in they quit out of frustration

the law: You must pay them this and no less.

company: I shall pay them that and no more.